Never Back Down.

Hello once again livejournal
its been awhile hasnt it?
lets see where to start..
well its summer now makes eating way more tempting i have to say but i love a challenge.
going to be especially difficult living here with my grandparents most of ttime
they watch me like a hawk like at any moment i will break into a thousand pieces im stronger than that
i have been through a hell of a lot in the past few months and im not giving up now
what else what else
oh i am going to be officially divorced come september exciting and nerve racking at the same time
and go figure that it was all because of this hate filled disease
i do have a new guy in my life but i dont know if it will last lord knows i want it to but nothing ever turns out right in my world
as those of so many other anorexics to well all are scared and helpless at the same time the ones the most motivated the ones dead i cant even think about that right now and that i might have had a part in the loss of some poor girls life breaks my heart and there is so much shit i havent told Sean hes suppose to be my best friend im suppose to be able to tell him everything but i cant my brain says no it says its a bad idea to get to attached to anything or anyone other than control and anorexia its a terrible way to feel but whats most terrible is that i need it not just need but want with every fiber of my heart mind body and soul .

there are some really shitty people on livejournal that are oh so amusing people freaking out because i made this font really big on accident cuz my cmputer is so fucked up they just comment on how huge it is im saying dont comment at all if its a waste of your time.

im not a good person. EVeryone knows those people who are just naturally good honest people, but i am not one of those people. i had this english project where we were in groups and all that and i didnt wanna mess with these people so i just didnt answer my phone for two days while they tried to call me and get me to work on the crap and today we have to present , we have nothing to present.
yay. right?

man im screwed. so my boyfriend gave me a promise ring and shit but this guy i used to talk to all the time started texting me again you know twhen you forget a guy and everythings pretty damn good he comes back and screws up the good? yeah that happens to me more than you know. so i dont know what to do here i love both of them. shitt.

i  want to be a tattoo artist now. for some strange reason i "draw" better on skin than on paper . i want five stars on my wrist horizontally . like where you would cut yourself but stars red stars. haha im a freakk.

its a little big sorry why the fuck am i saying sorry ?? this is my journal! 

 well ahhg, i did horrible yesterday because everytime i eat something unhealthy or what i consider to be unhealthy i just say screw this day and i wil lstart over tomorrow. so by saying that.. does that mean im not anorexic? maybee. maybe not. ut even if i wasnt anorexic that still doesnt mean that i dont have serious problems with food.. i mean i know i dont weigh the riht amount to be i know thats completely obvious actually.i dont know i mean i just dont know. do i need a mental disorder to feel whole? is that it? and if it is.. couldnt i have just pick something easy and i know theres no "easy" disorder but anorexia is a biggie if ya know what im saying. i lie so much these days its unbelievable . i dont even trying to say. i resent people who have perfect lives and i know thats shit becaus i dont know for sure if there perfect or not its just what i judge and see with my eyes. And whats really sad is that i would rather be skinny than be happy. but who wouldnt? im not that happy now. so it wouldnt be any different. enough said.

i know you guys out there whom ever you are who would be reading my "journal" dont care and wont read this but thats okay half the reason im doing this is for myself and to help cope with all this crazyiness about anorexia nervosa. im sure if your reading this you know what that is(lol) But i do want people to read this. some reason i dont know why but i kinda feel like its a blog even though i know its  not..but i think i might use it as one anyway whats the difference who even cares.
  so anyway this morning i was ultra excited! because i discovered LUNA bars :] yayay!! except they do have a few calories well more than a "few" 180 which is a lot ! but if i just eat  two a day no prob right? plus there full of nutrients and shit like that. so there ! screw special kay im sure there better than that shit . these dont even have as much sugar as those even though special kay has 90 calories i still think luna would be better for your body. why am i even worried about my bodies health. what the fuck?!

hey so yeah about that..